Monday, 29 March 2021

Therapy: 6 Months In

What a ride!!! I mean, I say that lightly because I would happily take a go on Swarm at Thorpe Park over this any day, but a ride nevertheless! Firstly I just want to say thank you to every person that has left a comment, messaged me privately to say something kind, messaged me to thank me for being so open about my therapy journey because you're going through something similar- I read every single one! I might not have replied yet because it can be pretty overwhelming and I cry at most of them (happy tears, don't worry) so I have to space them out, but I promise I will get round to you. And thank you for just for reading my blog. TEN THOUSAND of you guys read this every month which is just insane to me, especially since this was something I started 7 years ago and have worked so hard on over the years.  

Also, thank you to my friends who read my blogs religiously and continue to be my biggest supporters with every bad and good decision I make! (Mostly bad but we move)

So I'm now 6 months into therapy and I feel an absolute world away from how I did last year. Last summer was the worst, autumn was pretty shit too and Christmas was unbearable. I know I've posted twice this year about feeling better, but I must have been writing that on a good day because the highs were high but the lows were LOW. It takes strength to get through a breakup when you didn't realise that you depended on that person for comfort, company, happiness, everything really! So it's a shock to the system to go from that to being totally on your own. And then during each therapy session I slowly start digging further and further into my past and loads of skeletons that I thought were stored away for good start to creep out and haunt me, so it's a lot to deal with. But I've been so fortunate that I've had job security which has allowed me to carry on with my daily routine and have something to focus on, a really strong support system with my friends and family, who have literally bent over backwards to make me feel special this last 12 months, a therapist who I couldn't have imagined my life without lately, and loads of time to move on. Still absolutely hate it when people tell me that 'time is a healer' because it literally does not help at all when you're mid-meltdown and just want to slip into a coma for 6 months to bypass the hard part, but every day is a step forward, no matter how shitty you feel that day! I've spent so much of the last year wishing the days away, waking up and then counting the seconds before it's bedtime again and I don't wanna do that anymore! I wanna wake up and actually enjoy the day. Life is just so short to do anything otherwise isn't it?

I won't spend the entirety of this blog post wallowing in self pity, because 1) I've done WAY too much of that and 2) I promise I'm in a better place now! I want to shift back to writing about things I did pre-breakup and pre-lockdown, so next on the agenda (especially now places are reopening) I'm gonna be sharing cool things to do in London, must visit rooftop bars and restaurants and photos of me actually smiling and having a good time instead of crying in bed. Which as much as it has probably been shared in group chats with something along the lines of 'wtf is Claudia doing she has genuinely lost it', yes I had lost it! But I've found it! (Whatever 'it' is- my dignity, my sanity or my self respect... or all three.) I'm so glad to actually feel like I have control of myself and my life again so I can actually do normal things like hang out with friends without hysterically crying or go on a date and actually enjoy myself instead and flirt and have fun and maybe have a lil snog at the end of the night if I haven't forgotten how to.

Not only do I feel a million times more emotionally stable, (although I do feel like I'm out of the grieving stage and into the extreme paranoia stage, but I'll save that for another day!) but I feel so much more comfortable in other areas of my life. I've stopped using beauty filters on my Instagram stories, including posting my skincare journey (spots and all, which I would never dream of doing before.) If a guy contacts me and I'm not interested I'm just being upfront instead of my usual trick of just ghosting and hope they take the hint and leave (terrible trait and would not recommend). If I don't want to do something, I'll just say, instead of making an excuse. I think the last 12 months have just made me really appreciate honesty as a whole.

And if you're a guy who has been reading my blog for the last 12 months thinking I'm the human personification of a red flag, I'm aware I've slowly been cockblocking myself more and more with each post (lol) but I promise I'm over my ex boyfriend now so feel free to ask me out xxxxxx*

*for legal reasons this is a joke

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