Monday, 22 February 2021

Understanding Self Worth

We all make mistakes, but at what point do we say ok, I've carried this baggage around for way too long now, it doesn't define me and it's time to let go and let me move on. I'm not religious, so what's the atheist version of repenting of your sins? Donating to an animal charity? Walking across hot coals? Helping an old person cross the road? Airing your dirty laundry on a juicy Facebook status? There has to be a point where you need to allow yourself to move past any regrets or mistakes and take a step into your future, without anything weighing you down or making you think you don't deserve nice things or you need to hang your head in shame for eternity. The biggest apology isn't words, it's changed behaviour, so you have to really want to move past it and you will.

I've carried this metaphorical baggage around for 12 months now, and believe me it has been tough! The main coping mechanism I've found that works for me has been crying, then therapy, then crying during therapy. But recently I have a little epiphany to my therapist about my self worth. I've always thought of myself as a confident girl, well, pre-March 2020 I was, probably too confident! I'm loud, I'm always the centre of attention and I love making people laugh, but I've always been that way, and that's why my friends and family love me. I love nice things, I love being spoilt and I love being made to feel special. Who doesn't?! I hear you ask! Well, that actually brings me to the reason I am writing. I didn't realise that over the last year, my self worth had crumbled so much, that there was almost nothing left. I was so desperate for someone to even acknowledge my existence that any contact, albeit short, sharp and argumentative, made me weak at the knees! I was just so thrilled to be at the receiving end of a message- any message!- that I had actually got used to being ignored or blanked. It was a 'speak when your spoken to' situation, and I was actually participating in it because I genuinely thought I was the lucky one. 

Discussing this with my therapist just brought to light what the actual fuck was I doing. I saw a tweet that said 'if they wanted to, they would' and it's so true. And if they don't? They won't! It's a minging pill to swallow but why are you giving the world to someone who isn't giving you a second thought? It's so frustrating because I am so easy to please because I'm so sentimental and I would appreciate a really thoughtful gift over something lavish any day. Even if it's a card with something special written inside (I keep them all!) Even a tub of salted caramel Haagez Daaz cos I bloody love it and it means you've actually thought of me when you've walked past Tesco. (WOW my standards really are rock bottom aren't they!)

I want to be the first person someone thinks of when they wake up and the last thing they think about when they go to sleep. I want to be the first person they wanna tell their good news to. I want to hate doing stuff without that person because I want us to be able to make and treasure the memories together forever. I don't want to feel like I'm bothering someone by texting 'hello' or double tapping more than one photo in a row on Instagram. It's a pretty recent revelation from a therapy session yesterday so no doubt I'll still be wallowing in self pity for quite while longer, but at least I know what I don't want any more. And what do I want? God knows. And it's going to be a while before I went to get serious with someone again, but when I do, I'm going to let myself be really fucking picky and not settle for anything less than someone who is sculpted by angels, worships the ground I walk on, makes me proper belly laugh on a daily basis, doesn't snore and is also God's gift. (Well, my version of it, and my friends will tell me I have very random taste in men.)

Before I sign off, I know self worth isn't just about how boys treat you, and I can do all the sheet masks and light all the candles in the world in the name of #selfcare, but nothing beats the feeling of being in love. With yourself. And I'm determined to get there again eventually.

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