Monday, 18 January 2021

28 and Feeling Gr8...-er Than Last Year

What a fucking YEAR! I'm not gonna do resolutions because tbf I'm just impressed that I made it through this year alive. (For legal reasons that is a joke) I'm gonna be glad to see the back of it for a couple of pretty obvious reasons. I've never really been a superstitious person, and I don't think 'everything happens for a reason', but I've learnt a lot about myself this year through the mistakes that I've made and the other various things life has thrown at me. From the dreaded break-up, to having to move out of London and back in with my parents up north, to lots of changes at work to getting COVID-19 just after Christmas, I have felt depressed, exhausted and just generally not myself.

My therapist had a Christmas break (who knew they have lives outside of listening to us cry?! Shocking.) so I didn't see her for about 3 weeks. I wish I could tell you it flew, but by the third week I felt like I was having major withdrawals (not exactly rocking in the corner of a dark room with bloodshot eyeballs but I felt myself having more wobbles that usual). I don't want to feel like I depend on her, but I do! And last week's session was a bloody massive relief. I actually had a bit of a laugh with her! It felt so good to just brain-dump all my feelings on her and her to reassure me that I'm not a crazy bitch and that everything I'm feeling is normal and ok and allowed. 'Allowed' being the operative word here because it's so easy to feel like everything your doing is wrong or stupid or a failure.

I know I said in my last blog that I felt like I had turned a corner (lol had I balls), but now I feel like I genuinely have. I feel like I've progressed from speaking purely about the break-up to actually doing some digging into myself and getting to know who the real Claudia is. (My therapist calls it 'my authentic self' which sounds so professional and weird but it's basically just understanding myself better). I was so confused about what I was doing and who I was doing it for, for the tiniest of things e.g writing a tweet. Was I writing it because it was something funny and I wanted to share? Was I writing it because I hoped M would see it and get in touch? Was I writing it because I wanted it to go viral (aka get more than 3 likes off my mates) I was confused about EVERYTHING and I was massively overthinking the stupidest things.

I finished my session feeling like a HUGE weight had been lifted off and I actually felt progress. I felt good! I still had a little cry after but instead of being from stress and sadness it was of pure gratitude for my amazing family, friends and myself for getting me through the last 10 months. I fucking hated people telling me last summer that 'time is a healer' and 'everything will work out in the end' cos I absolutely hate all that cliche bollocks but looking back now I'm a completely different person, and time really has helped! So to anyone else in my position- keep going! I'm not saying I'm totally over it and I will definitely still have my bad days but it really is just a case of concentrating on one step at a time instead of the whole staircase (deffo saw that on one of those cringe manifestation Pinterest quote boards last week but it really resonated with me. Shortly after reading I went and hugged a tree and then lit some incense.)

At the moment of writing this blog (Well, I started it on 30th December but I'm finishing it on 18th Jan), I feel like I'm in a good space. I don't know whether it's because it's just been Christmas but I'm having so many more better days than bad days- I think I had about 10 last month and only 2 this month which is a record! I know me and M won't get back together, and I don't want to either. I'm ready to start 2021 with a fresh start and a clean slate when it comes to relationships. And I'm excited for that first date excited-nerves feeling again!

Now I'm on a roll with the positives, here are a couple other good things that happened this year:

  • I get to see my best friends every week (something that hasn't happened in forever cos usually I only come home a couple of times a year)
  • I paid off all my debts (you can read about that here)
  • I saved a WHOLE HOUSE DEPOSIT! This feels absolutely mental because back in March I was still racking everything up on my credit card and now I could buy a place if I wanna! I mean, I won't lol cos *responsibilities* and I would rather spend it on travelling and making memories, but at least I don't have to worry about money. Well, for the time being anyway.
  • I got a new MacBook! Well, my parents put some money towards it for my Christmas present AND it's only gonna arrive in fucking FEBRUARY but one cracked screen, a rapidly deteriorating battery, an alarming whirring noise if I watch too much Netflix and 6 years later I am finally upgrading my lil baby.
  • I'm moving in with one of my best friends! Move date TBC because the places we've viewed so far look less appealing than Josef Fritzel's cellar but we're optimistic about finding our dream (rental) home in the next few months.

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