Wednesday, 9 December 2020

Turning a Corner (I Think?!)

Hello! And welcome to episode 500 of my TRAGIQUE life! Honestly I feel like anyone reading my blog posts this year has felt like they have been watching an actual car crash happening in slow motion right in front of them. I'm genuinely surprised I've not lost 8 stone from pure water that has flushed out my eyeballs this year cos I have cried a LOT. I actually booked in for an extra Botox top-up last week because my forehead is that wrinkled from my face crumpling up every time I starting crying (I'm a really ugly cryer), and I actually looked like a Great Dane.

On a more positive note, I feel like I can feel some *actual* progress this month! I mean, it is 9 months down the line so it's about fucking time, but I've had a couple of revelations this month that, realistically the more I think about them, have given me a bit more mental stability. Number 1, and the toughest pill to swallow is that M is never coming back. Horrible to think and actually really horrible to type, but I've realised that the longer I'm waiting, and the longer I'm depending on someone else for happiness, means the longer I'm living in uncertainty and the longer I'm not doing anything about creating my own happiness. So yeah, a biggie. And one that's not easy to accept but hopefully it will get easier to come to terms with it sooner rather than later. I've still got a very very long way to go, and it's not easy but when I've been waking up lately it feels much easier to get out of bed and be productive to help keep my mind off it.

The second revelation is that I'm ready to move back to London! I feel ready to move back to the city and regain some form of structure and routine in my life again, and finally get my independence back!!! I'm so lucky in the fact I've been able to live at my parents house all year rent-free with a fridge full of Alpro oat milk and 'Morrison's Finest' everything, but I'm soooo ready to move into my own place again and be able to leave the house without 2093189 questions from my dad about where I'm going and who with and what I'm doing and when I'll be home. (I know it's just cos he cares about me but dealing with the Spanish Inquisition every time I go round a walk is reeeeally starting to test me guys.)

Again, thank you so much for the messages you've been sending me regarding my therapy blogs over these last couple of months. I read and appreciate every single one and I feel very grateful that I've not been on the journey alone. I wanna say onwards and upwards but I know I'm gonna cry as soon as I post this to go live so I'm just gonna carry on taking one step at a time and hope for the best. 

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