It’s so funny that, in a city
with a population of almost 9 million people, it’s so easy to feel lonely. I’ve
lived here for just over 2 years now, and as much as it has absolutely flown
because I always feel like I’m so busy, I’ve spent so many nights (usually
Sundays when I’ve got ‘the fear’ after a big weekend) lying in bed, running
away with my thoughts and not being able to shift the horrible feeling of loneliness
in my stomach.
I work full time, Monday-Friday.
Alongside this, I try and go to F45 every morning before work, I try and get 8
hours sleep a night, I try and meal prep my lunches so I’m not buying crap
every day, I try and keep up with social media and write my blog, I try and
plan date nights with my boyfriend, and on top of that I try and have a social
life! It’s d-r-a-i-n-i-n-g. Especially in winter. I’m getting up at 6am when it’s
pitch black and I’m leaving work at 6pm when it’s pitch black. The urge to go home
and eat a bowl of cereal in bed every night is so strong after a long day. But
then it gets to 8pm and I feel like my friends are gonna start labelling me as
the bailer or stop inviting me out presuming that I won’t come anyway. I mean,
they don’t, but as a massive over-thinker with horrendous anxiety I’ve just
started expecting the worst. So I feel like I always need to have plans.
I’ve always had a really
active social life, mostly down to the fact that I live for attention and I
always need a substantial crowd around me to perform to like the show pony I am
(lol). I’ve had the same amazing group of friends since I was 17, but
unfortunately for me, they all still in back home in Preston. (Apart from 2,
who still live at least 1hour+ from London.) As much as the whatsapp group makes
me howl every day and I don’t feel like I’m losing touch with any of them, the
FOMO is R-E-A-L. Especially when I can see everyone discussing what sounds like
it’s going to be a really fun night, or someone’s birthday, or housewarming or
celebratory drinks for a new job (which is happening a LOT lately so yassss). Saying
‘congrats’ on text or over the phone is never the same as being able to give
them a massive hug in person and say how proud you are of them.
My family all still live back
up North too. Well, both my brothers are in the Royal Forces, so they are
usually here there and everywhere, but nothing is worse than when they manage
to both get back to my parents for a weekend and I’m not there. Also, you know
those times where you just need a hug from you Mum? Or to let off some steam and
vent to your Dad? It’s hard when they’re 2 hours and an £80 train away.
I know I would be more
depressed living in my hometown, where I would never be able to work in the job
I do, for the company I do, and have opportunities like I do. I’m fortunate enough
to be making my way up the career ladder, living in a house that I love, with some
amazing friends- some from back home, some from uni and some that I’ve been lucky
to meet down here- including my boyfriend. It feels quite strange to be writing
about loneliness because I don’t think it’s a feeling people would associate
with me and my character.
A lot has changed in my life
this year. My housemates, my job and my relationship status - so pretty major!
Now that I’m starting to
settle into the changes, I’m looking forward to learning how to be comfortable in
my own company, and not feel inadequate if I decide to swerve a night out in
favour of a night in with myself.
Can I just say you are bloody amazing, and it sounds like you have had so many life changes this year, your smashing it!! Don't ever convince yourself that you cannot suffer because of your circumstances, as sometimes that can make us the loneliest of all! I really relate so thank you for sharing! xx
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