Thursday, 19 December 2019

Small Fish. Big Pond.

It’s so funny that, in a city with a population of almost 9 million people, it’s so easy to feel lonely. I’ve lived here for just over 2 years now, and as much as it has absolutely flown because I always feel like I’m so busy, I’ve spent so many nights (usually Sundays when I’ve got ‘the fear’ after a big weekend) lying in bed, running away with my thoughts and not being able to shift the horrible feeling of loneliness in my stomach.

I work full time, Monday-Friday. Alongside this, I try and go to F45 every morning before work, I try and get 8 hours sleep a night, I try and meal prep my lunches so I’m not buying crap every day, I try and keep up with social media and write my blog, I try and plan date nights with my boyfriend, and on top of that I try and have a social life! It’s d-r-a-i-n-i-n-g. Especially in winter. I’m getting up at 6am when it’s pitch black and I’m leaving work at 6pm when it’s pitch black. The urge to go home and eat a bowl of cereal in bed every night is so strong after a long day. But then it gets to 8pm and I feel like my friends are gonna start labelling me as the bailer or stop inviting me out presuming that I won’t come anyway. I mean, they don’t, but as a massive over-thinker with horrendous anxiety I’ve just started expecting the worst. So I feel like I always need to have plans.

I’ve always had a really active social life, mostly down to the fact that I live for attention and I always need a substantial crowd around me to perform to like the show pony I am (lol). I’ve had the same amazing group of friends since I was 17, but unfortunately for me, they all still in back home in Preston. (Apart from 2, who still live at least 1hour+ from London.) As much as the whatsapp group makes me howl every day and I don’t feel like I’m losing touch with any of them, the FOMO is R-E-A-L. Especially when I can see everyone discussing what sounds like it’s going to be a really fun night, or someone’s birthday, or housewarming or celebratory drinks for a new job (which is happening a LOT lately so yassss). Saying ‘congrats’ on text or over the phone is never the same as being able to give them a massive hug in person and say how proud you are of them.

My family all still live back up North too. Well, both my brothers are in the Royal Forces, so they are usually here there and everywhere, but nothing is worse than when they manage to both get back to my parents for a weekend and I’m not there. Also, you know those times where you just need a hug from you Mum? Or to let off some steam and vent to your Dad? It’s hard when they’re 2 hours and an £80 train away.

I know I would be more depressed living in my hometown, where I would never be able to work in the job I do, for the company I do, and have opportunities like I do. I’m fortunate enough to be making my way up the career ladder, living in a house that I love, with some amazing friends- some from back home, some from uni and some that I’ve been lucky to meet down here- including my boyfriend. It feels quite strange to be writing about loneliness because I don’t think it’s a feeling people would associate with me and my character.

A lot has changed in my life this year. My housemates, my job and my relationship status - so pretty major!
Now that I’m starting to settle into the changes, I’m looking forward to learning how to be comfortable in my own company, and not feel inadequate if I decide to swerve a night out in favour of a night in with myself.

1 comment:

  1. Can I just say you are bloody amazing, and it sounds like you have had so many life changes this year, your smashing it!! Don't ever convince yourself that you cannot suffer because of your circumstances, as sometimes that can make us the loneliest of all! I really relate so thank you for sharing! xx