Friday, 24 February 2017

How to Get Over Your Ex

Ok, this post has been in drafts for MONTHS. Seriously, months. For two reasons. Number 1 is because I have never felt completely ready to post it, I always hover over the 'publish' button, then go back to edit a bit, or change a few words, delete something I think might be too personal, and then save it as a draft. (Even though I am the Queen of the over-sharers, I know!) And number 2 is that deep down, I didn't feel like I was over him yet. So how on earth was I going to post my advice on getting over your ex when I wasn't even over my own?!

Theres loads of theories about problem sharing. One is to tell a complete stranger, just as a way to get it off your chest (and my Mum always says 'a problem shared is a problem halved!') And to some extent I agree, but to another I think, well why? How can they offer me advice when they don't know me, or any of the people involved? Anyway, the point of this post is to get it off MY chest, and hopefully if anyone is going through the same thing it could help you too.



I'll start with a bit of a back story, without going into TOO much detail. I've only ever had one boyfriend in my whole life, and we were together for just over two years. I was absolutely completely 100% head over heels MADLY in love with him, and everyyyyyone knew, cos I spoke about him all the time. We made so many amazing memories, went on holiday 3 times, we lived together, and if I wasn't with him I was texting him or on the way to meet him. At one point we both worked in the same shopping mall, and we would go and see each other on our breaks, or try and plan our lunches together so we could go and eat in the food court. Like, we were seriously joined at the hip. But unfortunately, like in most relationships, we started arguing. He was controlling, I was childish, and we started wanting different things from life which led to us breaking up, and I moved back in with my parents. At first it was something I wanted, but EVERYTHING reminded me of him. Like, the tiniest thing- a TV show, an accent, a location- reminded me of a time we had together. There's a quote I saw on one of those cringy Instagram quote pages that was something like 'It's about who you miss at 2pm when you're busy, not 2am when you're lonely' and I just started welling up cos it was exactly my situation, I thought about him every second of every day. And the worse thing was that he was moving on. And I wasn't.

It made me really angry because I felt like that for months afterwards. Thinking about him every day without fail, knowing he wasn't thinking about me. Of course I went on dates and whatever, but he was still in the back of my mind, so I could never properly let my guard down and think about moving on.  It was only until now- EIGHTEEN MONTHS LATER, that I can honestly say I'm over him and I am ready to move on. I know I've always been confident, (loud) and on the surface I was always my usual chirpy self, but it's been a seriously tough time for me, and there's been so many times I just get home and cry because he's moved on and I haven't, and I just felt, well, weak. And I didn't want anyone else to know. Not even my family or my friends. I felt like I would never let anyone love me again and I would be one of those people who never had a +1 for a wedding.

Break-ups are always going to be horrible. You invest so much time and love into someone just to turn into complete strangers that probably wouldn't even say hello to each other if you were passing in the street. But now that I've been through it, I want to share some advice for anyone else in the same position I was.

1. Don't compromise your own happiness for someone else's.
There were so many times when I cancelled plans, or didn't go for something I wanted because he didn't want me to. I got to the final stages of a grad scheme which would involved me relocating to Reading, and I had to say no because he didn't want me to go. This got worse further along into the relationship, where I nearly had to cancel a trip to Marbella as well as countless nights out where I had to make an excuse not to go, because he wanted me to stay in. DON'T accept this as the norm. You are your OWN person, and if they don't like you having a social life, or a healthy balance of seeing them and your friends, then something is seriously wrong. 

2. Don't rely on that person for support. 
When the break-up is fresh, it's easy to just overlook the low points of the relationship and want to get back together because you see them as a safe bet. A comfort blanket. It's soooo nerve racking to go from being so comfortable around someone to be flung head first back into the dating game. But some things just don't work out, it's natural. It doesn't mean you're now damaged goods and nobody will ever love you like that ever again. They will. And it will be 10000% times better. Delete their number and block them all on social media so you aren't tempted to stalk. Trust me, I stalked and it was the worse decision I have ever made.

3. Make amazing plans with your friends.
As well as taking your mind off the situation, you can experience things that you perhaps couldn't do when you were chained to the house in a relationship. I am a such a social butterfly, I LOVE being out- drinking, dancing, meeting new people, and I let that person take that away from me. Since we broke up, I've been to Berlin, Thailand, Marbella, Barcelona, Belfast, London, and made some of the best, most outrageous, unforgettable memories of my life so far. I previously started to slip away from my group of friends, and now I'm back, we are stronger than ever, and I couldn't thank them enough for just being so supportive and amazing.

4. Don't settle for second best.
Back to the dating game I mentioned earlier. I'm not saying 'to get over someone, you have to get under someone else' cos you will need some time to yourself to heal. But when you are ready to date (and when I say date, I mean download Tinder or give your number to that absolute worldy who asked for your number in a bar last weekend) go for it, but DON'T rush anything, just for the sake of shedding your newly-single status. Get to know someone who genuinely makes you laugh, holds a text conversation that makes you want to stay up late to reply to, and that you look forward to seeing. Rare, I know, but it will be worth waiting for!

5. Learn to love yourself again.
I actually cringe writing that, because I feel like your gonna be reading this thinking I'm sitting cross-legged in my bedroom wearing a loin cloth surrounded by incense sticks and tapestry hanging on the walls like Buddha, thinking I'm all self-righteous. But seriously, you need to realise that you do NOT need a man to make you happy, or feel good about yourself. So many girls come out of relationships with super low self esteem because of little jibes from their other halves, and I was the same. I was called Gemma Collins, an elephant, that my nose was big, my boobs weren't big enough, and even though he thought it was 'just a joke', comments like that really hurt. Especially when I have always been self conscious. Look in the mirror and instead of pointing out stuff you hate, concentrate on the stuff you LOVE (everyone has a particular feature they love the most!) and for the stuff you do dislike, change it! I hated my legs, so I've joined a running club, and I'm also lifting more weights in the gym. Get your Khloe K revenge body on!


The 15 best friends that anyone could have!

This is by no means a dig at my own ex boyfriend. I loved him way too much to stoop as low as publicly bashing him on the internet.  It's a kind of 'you live and you learn' thing. I might end up deleting this, but for now, I really hope if you are/or have been in my position that it can make you feel better about yourself, and your future. (even if it's just a tiny bit!)

28 comments:

  1. I think you hit the nail on the head Claud!
    Beautifully put and very inspirational. DO NOT DELETE.
    You should be very proud of yourself for posting something so raw.
    Thanks for sharing x

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    1. Thank you so much Ashlyn, I'm pretty overwhelmed by everyones kind words to be honest! X

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  2. Brilliantly put Claudia, and as someone has already said don't delete xx

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    1. Thanks Rachel! I can confirm it is STAYING!

      Claudia xx

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  3. Great post Claudia. I too was in a relationship like the one you describe many moons ago. Unfortunately I didn't end it when I should have and I lost myself to a point that I lost all confidence and became someone I didn't recognise. It took two years for me to escape my ex but I did it and now I'm with my best friend and the love of my life. Great post and certainly don't delete it. Onwards and upwards xx

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    1. I started losing myself too, which really scares me looking back. It's a shame to invest so much time and love in to someone, but I wish him the best and I hope he does for me, now that I can finally 100% feel like I'm ready to move on. So glad you found someone! It makes me feel so much more positive :)

      Claudia xx

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  4. Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry you've been through this and been having such a hard time. But you are better than anybody trying to limit you and you are gorgeous inside and out. Sounds like you deserve someone who appreciates who you are! Xx

    Sarah | sarahdeluxe.com

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    1. Thank you so much Sarah! It's so easy to bottle up, but I'm so glad I've shared my experience because the response has been mega! :)

      Claudia xx

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  5. Thank you for posting this ������ very inspiring post and exactly what I and probably millions of other girls need to hear xxx

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    1. Thank YOU for the feedback, it's comments like this that make me breathe a sigh of relief after finally plucking up the courage to hit 'publish'!

      Claudia xx

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  6. You are amazing man! You've hidden it so well (I may have super stalked you from afar) but honestly this post is so raw and real and EXACTLY what girls want to hear. Don't delete �� Xx

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    1. Haha, it's so easy to put on a front online, but it feels SO good to get it out there, and know that it's managed to help others realise they aren't alone :)

      (ps- it's staying!)

      Claudia xx

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  7. You've written this so well, I was compelled to comment. Every word, every feeling is spot on. The most important thing is to give yourself time to heal but not mistake it for self pity.

    www.prernashighonchai.com

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    1. So true! It's a fine line, but it's important to concentrate on self worth over self pity!

      Claudia xx

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  8. Well done Claud! Rosh and I met you in ayia napa in 2011 (Scottish Girls) and loved the blog post xxx

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  9. I'm reading this exactly a year to the date of breaking up with my ex. I understand literally everything you've said. Well done for being so brave it's very difficult to bear you heart online xxxxx

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    1. I thought it was never going to end, but now I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off now that I finally had the balls to share it, and it seems so many girls can relate! It's an amazing feeling knowing it's not just you, and there is light at the end of the tunnel :)

      Claudia xx

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  10. I guess its my turn to write one.. hooe to get over this situation..

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  11. Do not delete this post, it's hitting home for so many people & you should be super proud for being strong enough to share this! Absolutely love your blog - I shall be returning as a regular reader! x
    www.elliswoolley.blogspot.com

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  13. Well done Claudia, a very relatable and emotive blog.
    I think a lot can learn from their last relationships, and reading your blog just resonates that.
    I was in a very controlling relationship where I lost all contact with my friends and pretty much had no one. He ended up dumping me and as painful as it was then, it's the best gift he could have given me! 5 years on and I have all my friends back, stronger than ever, and getting married this year.
    Happiness is out there for everyone, we just have to go through the rough patches to find it.
    Enjoy your happiness xx

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  14. Absolutely loved this post Claudia! Well done you for posting it. I can't believe someone called you those names though, so not ok! I'm glad that relationship has ended. So happy to see that you're going back out and enjoying yourself again. Would love to be in Marbella or Thailand right now!! Gweni xxx

    www.gbeauty.co.uk

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  15. Don't delete it!
    It's a part of your life you went through and shows how strong you are to pull through it and see the positive side of it. Most of us have been in this situation and I wish I had some advice like this to help me. It's lovely to see someone who is brave enough to put it out there for people to read! Great blog, keep it going :) (I randomly saw your blog on twitter) x

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  16. Don't delete the post. And you're so right. Never compromise who you are for anyone who makes you feel as though you are second best.

    Chichi
    chichi-writes.blogspot.co.uk

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  17. Well, it is not necessary to consider a person as your enemy after having a failed relationship. Rather, there are many examples when lovers get reunited after breaking up their relationship in the past. Won’t you like to find out the best ways of patching up the relationship and be in love once again?

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